My brother recently gave the green signal to our parents to look for a suitable bride for him.Ma, visibly excited by his consent, has already started looking out for a
worthy Malayali,homely,family-oriented,etc,etc..girl for Ragz.
Upon seeing her excitement,Ragz put across a very interesting question to Ma yesterday. He asked if,in the due course,he happened to like a non-Malayali girl who would be as homely,family-oriented as any prospective Malayali girl,who fulfilled all the criteria of a worthy daughter-in-law and wife,and more importantly who he felt would be ideal for him ,would Ma and Achan be as forthcoming and encouraging towards his choice? And Ma answered without even thinking twice that she couldn’t be a part of that liaison. She said she didnt have any problems if the girl was a Christian or a Muslim,but a liaison with a girl who couldn’t speak Malayalm was a complete no-no.She did say immediately though that she wont stop him from getting married to the girl.She was quite matter of fact in saying that she couldn’t consider the girl a part of our family.As though sensing a worried tone in Ma’s voice,Ragz quickly clarified he didn’t have anyone in mind and he had asked what he did purely out of curiosity.
This conversation got me thinking -is it really important to get married to a person who shares your mothertongue? I agree if a malayali marries a malayali or a Punjabi a Punjabi,the custom,the rituals could be smoother.More so the communication becomes easier.But is that what defines a good marriage? So many marriages happen because the families belong to the same communities and yet they fall apart in no time. At the same time I have many friends who got married to their spouses belonging to drastically different communities and yet they are leading one of the most fulfilling and contented lives.
So,in my opinion there is so much more than sharing your mothertongue that goes into making a successful marriage that its not fair to bind yourself into a set ideology. So what if you speak the same language?Does it mean you can understand each other?
Ma says if a person has made up his/her mind to marry someone even if that means marrying someone outside the community,then the parents’ wishes don’t hold any importance. I beg to disagree,ma. If your parents are not happy with your choice,you may go against them and fulfill your wishes but in your heart of hearts you will hope they had given their consents.And you will do all that there is in your power to make them understand that you took the right decision.
How can language be a barrier?If you are really determined you can easily mould yourself into your new family’s way of life yet maintain your own individuality.Mind you,it holds true to both men and women.
For two people to get married isn’t it more important that they love each other? Isnt it convincing enough that the two people involved make each other happy?How can the fact that they share their mothertongue ensure that they can express each other well?
Having said all of this I got married to a person purely chosen by my parents and I’ll forever be grateful to them for finding him for me.I couldn’t have had a better person for a husband. Although he is half-Tamilian and half-Malayali,he had more of a Malayali upbringing which was why this alliance came knocking at my parents’ door in the first place. But thats not why my life with Ravs is so fulfilling. We hardly speak Malayalam with each other.We could come this far because we compliment each other really well.I can say we complete each other.He is my best friend and that ,in my opinion,is what is far far more important in a marriage.There is nothing in the world that I cant discuss with him.He understands me perfectly well even when I’ve not been explicit. He can sense even my inner thoughts.And so can I.
So,all I’m trying to say is lets have an open mind and not confine ourselves to a set belief.You can be in touch with your community despite marrying into a different one. It solely depends on you.