You judge me, I ignore you- fair deal?

I think it totally is.

Yes I’m talking about our ingrained habit of judging others. I say ‘our’ because I think judging is something we all do. Yes howsoever much we say we dont, we do. And its normal. Ok, normal may not always be right though. You see things, get affected by them enough to form your opinions and then blurt them out. Sometimes people agree with our opinions and sometimes they dont. Thats when the whole ‘judging’ angle springs up.

I see parents hitting their child, I judge them. Why, because hitting or slapping or beating is something I’ve strict policy against while raising my child. I have friends who hit their children and I do make a fleeting remark about how I dont believe in hitting a child to make him/her understand. They either choose to agree with me or ignore me. Fine by me either way.

I get into an argument with a friend whose religious beliefs differ from that of mine. I judge her. And yes she judges me too. But that doesn’t stop either of us from deviating from our beliefs. And that certainly doesn’t stop the two of us from being the best of friends. She chooses not to pay heed to my arguments. Why? Because she believes in her convictions. She is extremely comfortable with the choices she has made. So am I with mine. And that makes our friendship even stronger.

I meet people talking in fake accents, even using flowery language liberally. And I judge them. I dont feel comfortable being around people who swear. Fake accents I can still tolerate though :D. Does that stop them from not swearing? Do they stop talking in fake accents? NO. Why? Because they dont care what I think or how I judge them, right? Rather they are too comfortable with themselves to let it bother them. What I choose to do, however, is ignore them also and just stay away.

Yes I too have been judged many a times by a lot of people for my actions and decisions.

I felt I was judged when I studied in a school where my mother taught and my school-friends hesitated to confide in me with their secrets. The reasons invariably being, ‘ Oh, she is our teacher’s daughter, what if she spills it all to her mom?’ I remember being terrible bothered by it. But gradually I came to terms with it and learned to ignore such remarks. And whats interesting to point out is that the friends that I did make in school eventually didnt bring that fact up even once. For them what mattered was our friendship. And today they are my best friends, friends for life.

I was judged when I chose to quit my work and stay at home to look after my daughter. I have nothing against working moms. Believe me, I have the highest regard for them. Its just that this decision is what works best for me, my child, my family as a whole.. nd what matters to me is just that- that my family and I are happy and comfortable with this decision. So long as that is achieved I dont allow any regrets or guilt to dominate me.

Similarly another area where I’m invariably judged is when I see the perplexed expression on people’s faces when I tell them that R & I have decided not to have any more children. The judgments range from how we are depriving Namnam of a sibling to how she will grow up to be insecure to how the family will look complete with one more addition to how its time to welcome a ‘beta’ in the family and so on and so forth.

R & I took this decision because we felt bringing another child will not be feasible for us. We would not have been able to give him/her as much time, energy and security( financial and emotional) as we are able to give to Namnam now. In which case it would have been gravely unfair of us to be depriving the child of the same environment that his/her sister would have enjoyed being in. So we decided to give it our all to the one child who came into our life after much yearnings.

I know its complicated and not many may agree with me. But the fact of the matter is that this works best for us. R & I intend to stick to this decision, unless of course God has other plans :D. But for now we are done. And we are confident that we will be able to bring Namnam up to be as secure and happy a person as any child with a sibling(s).

The reason for this long rant of a post is that, as the days for my Delhi-trip get closer, I realize that I’ll be fielded by my well-wishers’ as always with umpteen questions about these very decisions. All I want to tell them is that they can judge me all they want. It doesnt make a difference to me anymore. I know I’m happy with the choices I have made and thats what matters.

In the end what I’m trying to say is that its fine if people judge us. So long as we are satisfied and HAPPY with our decisions, its time we learned to ignore those who judge us.

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62 thoughts on “You judge me, I ignore you- fair deal?

  1. Hey did u know tht im the only Brat in my family? πŸ™‚
    i turned out ok..didnt i? :mrgreen:

    D: If I say yes do you promise to be nice with me for the whole of 2011?? 😈

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  2. I had to put the first comment because there is a long long rant coming up here

    well somehow its so strange I have been having discussing this topic offlate with so many friends… we all love to judge there is no doubt about, sometimes when we pass an opinion its valid. Like I personally think that cinema hall is not a place for kids speically younger kids, its not good for them and Ijust dont get why parents cant sacrfice that for a couple of years even when they dont have a support system? and than taking kids of movies like Ghajini (yes yes I have seen that with my own eyes a couple with a 1 yr old and 5yr old) its difficult not to judge… and I think its 100% wrong to do that

    D: I’m with you on this, Mon.

    but when it becomes judging just for the sake of judging I cant stand it like when I was working I was constantly hearing how I am not taking care of my child enough and the maid taking care of him is not right and now from the past 1.5 yrs when I am home believe it or not its the same people coming and telling that how I am wasting my education and exprience and rotting and I bet when I go back to work they will go back to saying that I am ignoring ojas πŸ˜‰

    D: Oh yes I get to hear this ‘wasting your education’ nonsense a lot πŸ˜€

    Same is the case with having just one child… are baba its a personal choice that we want to have one child or may be no child why dont people get it???

    D: Exactly!

    Also people love to pass judgement on the way u look… are baba kitne moti ho gayee hai… khaana kam khaya kar… yeah we just sit and eat the whole day u know

    D: They just dont stop, do they??

    For me judging is not bad if its not done on something personal… a decision to work,a decision to have a child (first or second) is our decision

    D:You know I used to be quite bothered by such things before. When Namnam was born a lot of them used to pass judgements on how small she looked. I used to get terribly annoyed when I used to hear, ‘arre yeh toh kamzor hai, ise khilaate pillate nahi ho kya?’ And I get to hear such comments even now at times. Now I just say, ‘so long as she is healthy, doesnt fall sick, and her doctor is happy with her progress I dont care about anything else’.

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    1. Err third! Or if MOnu and Brat share 1st, me 2nd πŸ˜› πŸ˜›
      Deeps, know what! We were talking abt being judgemental just today morning and here i see a psot πŸ˜€ Lemme go read nw!

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      1. Abs. Ignoring them is the best medicine indeed πŸ™‚
        I know I’m happy with the choices I have made and thats what matters. – Yay Deeps! Says it all πŸ™‚
        Hugs and hv a gr8 time in Dilli πŸ™‚

        D: Thank you, Swar! Hugs!

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  3. Being Judgmental is a part of being human… We all end up doing it inadvertently and yes when someone judges us, ignoring is sure the best way out…

    D: Exactly!

    It is good to know that you are happy with all your decision coz as long as we don’t regret our decision, what others think hardly makes a difference…. πŸ™‚

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  4. I agree!

    ‘In the end what I’m trying to say is that its fine if people judge us. So long as we are satisfied and HAPPY with our decisions, its time we learned to ignore those who judge us.’ – Absolutely! I just wish I were that wise sometimes! Sometimes the judging gets to me πŸ™‚

    D: It gets to me too sometimes, Smits. But I’m learning to ignore those random passing of judgments :).

    As for the second child πŸ™‚ Same pinch! We are with you πŸ™‚ And hopefully the children will be fine. Not all only children are lonely or sad. It depends on us as parens to give them the environment to make them feel secure and happy. A sibling or no sibling is a very private decision, and not something others can decide for us πŸ™‚

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    1. oh I have seen some wonderful single kids and some most irritating ones (if I might say so) which were not single… I think it basically depends on partly on the childs nature itself and partly on how we deal with it

      we are also very clear that we dont want to have another child and if say 5 yrs later we think we want to we will adopt and when I tell this to people they ask me why do u have some problem, has the doc told u not to try again. We as a society dont know how to respect individual decisions

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      1. I have friends who dont have siblings and they have grown up amazingly well. How secure or insecure a child grows up to be depends a lot on the environment that he/she grows up in, right? If the parents are confident of ensuring a secure and happy environment to their children who are we to judge how lonely they will grow up to be?

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      2. I love your last line Monika.. “we as a society dont know how to respect individual decisions”- thats so true… judging is different… but whatever your thoughts keep it to yourself… you dont have to let the whole world know what you know think about someone else… unless I belong to you, I dont think you have the right to tell me what you think about my decisions…

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  5. So agree with you on the only child thing. Our child is and will be an only child (God willing!) for the same reasons you quote above..my husband and I are happy with that – but the rest of the janta wants to know when we are going to ‘complete’ our family with a baby girl. I just smile and say nothing because it is no use getting into an argument with people who just will not understand.

    D: Exactly, its no use getting into an argument. Welcome here Bubbles Mom πŸ™‚

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  6. I agree it’s your choice as a family… How does it matter to any third person…No matter what and how the decision comes out you would be the one facing the consequences. So you are the one who should take the call.

    D: Thanks Prats for putting it all so succinctly πŸ™‚

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  7. you said it already Deeps..what suits your family is the best decision regarding anything [and known to you and R only]…to hell with others’ dogmas πŸ™‚ Others may advice but can’t rule the decisions πŸ™‚

    Stay light headed,like you are always, and enjoy your trip πŸ™‚

    D: “Others may advice but can’t rule the decisions :)” I like what you said. Thanks so much, dearie πŸ™‚

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  8. Deeps… I rant this way too! The judging that people do sometimes gets on one’s nerves, especially when they insist on being vocal in public about it :D! I usually smile, beg to differ, and move on! Again, there is no use trying to explain oneself, because they aren’t really interested in knowing the whys and wherefores, and finally, as you beautifully put it:

    So long as we are satisfied and HAPPY with our decisions, its time we learned to ignore those who judge us.!

    Atta girl! Go for it! πŸ˜€

    D: Ushus, I’ve observed no matter howsoever much I try to make my point clear, people still judge. So I’m just trying to take another route to deal with these unsolicited judgments- by ignoring them :D. Lets see how far I’m able to stay sane :D.Thank you so much for the encouraging comment. You know how much I value your words, dont you πŸ™‚ Hugs!

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  9. I agree. Judge all you want. As long as we are at peace with ourselves on the decisions we make, it doesn’t matter. Only when one is not sure, that he/she can start getting influenced by all the talk around. I’ve been in both places so know how it feels.

    Glad that you’ve coped with it well πŸ™‚ Don’t worry and enjoy your trip. People will speak all they want coz that’s the only thing they can do. Ignore mode!

    D: Ignore mode activated! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

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  10. I don’t like this post, I super-like it! Especially these lines ‘this decision is what works best for me, my child, my family as a whole.. nd what matters to me is just that’ – It took me a really really long time to come to terms with my own decision!!! And you know what, Deeps, people in India, i.e. our family and friends, also slowly get used to our decisions and over a period of time, stop bothering us about it. Have a grrrrrrrrrrreat holiday… I’m sad mine is coming to an end!!!

    D: You know, Pals, I had decided I’d quit work, much before I even conceived. I was that clear and confident. And believe me, to this day,I have no regrets whatsoever. And whats funnier that all these external pressure to start a family(when we got married) and then to add another member(right after Namnam was barely a year old), always came from the aunts and uncles from our localities and our family friends. Not once did my parents or R’s parents pressurize us :D.

    Oyi, you’ve been there for one month….I’m going for just 10days. The days will be over in a jiffy 😦

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  11. Hey Deepa

    1st time here and enjoyed reaxing this post… a friend and i keep talking about people around us and how some are soo judgemental its damn annoying…

    am 30+ and single, by choice – so you can imagine the amount of sniggers and comments i get… but what the heck.. when will people realise ” each one to their own, accept a person for what they are ” ..

    D: Welcome here Aarti! Wonder why the society cant respect the decisions that are clearly personal. Yay to you, Aarti for your decisions and your attitude πŸ™‚

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  12. You know what you should do ? take print outs of this post and give it to all those who ask you weird questions! and if they dont know how to read, you read it for them! and if that also doesnt work, call up those ‘swearing’ friends and ask them to teach you a couple of words ! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    D: Now thats an idea!! I think I’ll start with you then..get some ‘teris’ ready for me, will you?? 😈 😈

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  13. why are you judging the people who judge you? just kidding…

    D: πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    The reasons i feel are these…we love to give advise, many find it normal ( since they are also receiving the same) etc etc

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  14. I judge is human to ignore divine..!! OK OK I will get serious here. You are right when you say we have to be the one to take the step to not get there judgments get to us.

    Do we always succeed. No we don’t, but then that is human too. That we know when we are hurt and make an effort to let the comments be and not get to us is what really matters.

    D: Absolutely! If we allow ourselves to not get affected by such comments then its half the battle won, isnt it?

    Have a fun trip to India.

    D: Thank you Comfy πŸ™‚

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  15. u know deeps if all of us understand that opinions and decisions are personal, world would be such a happy place. if

    D: Couldnt agree with you more, Iya πŸ™‚

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  16. I guess all of us feel this way at some level. I dont think there is a single person who cant be accused of judging another person.. well,all we can do is ignore (like you mention) and move on … And judge them back :-).. kidding ! there’s nothing much we can do,right.If people choose to judge,its their problem.Not ours.

    D: Exactly!

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  17. I was like this getting irritated at being judged but now I dont give a damn , if someone has a problem they are most wecome to WALK AWAY and get lost somehwere …

    Judging people seems to be everyones pet idea, what is going on in there own house they dont want to know ..
    Came ot uk :- it was like Where u come from, Why u come, which village u belong to what sect blahdy blah…
    DOES IT MATTER ..

    Even the indians who live here as kthe same question, what village, Damn does it matter I am a human being , from the same country as urs is that not good enough…

    Then came the english oh how cum ur enlgish is good, How cum u got a job so soon, Oh how cum u got selected in the services DUHHHHHHHH IDIOTS thatc because I am educated, I studied in one of the best public school in india and I sat for the exams went and appeared for the Interview THATS WHY I GOT THE JOB…

    Go back home to india.. or even on blog, oh u r a traitor you left india, you speak this and that BLAHDY BLAH.. YEAH i do Well IDIOTS who live in india dont give a DAMN of the nation who the hell are you to tell me what i do … πŸ™‚

    TO tell you frankly I dont call any of my relatives in india NO ONE, When i had come I was a idiot always calling them and all i got was send me this or that .. No one would have the time to call me , so now i call jsut my friends thats it .. and now its like Why dont you call you have forgotten us another blahdy blah…

    So now i have reached a stage where I do WHat i want to WHEN i want to .. simple If they dont like then they know where the door is they can see themselves out …

    D: “So now i have reached a stage where I do WHat i want to WHEN i want to” Thats what matters, Bik! So long as you are happy and content with what you do, there’s no room for any regrets.

    ooooops I have written so much almost a post here sorry sorry soryy πŸ™‚

    Bikram’s

    D: Arre, dont be! I’m glad you shared your thoughts here. Thanks, Bik! Waise do you feel lighter after all that ranting?? πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

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  18. Soooper post Deeps! Seriously, it’s just upto us to ignore and not let judgements affect us.. coz it’s only human to judge.

    What really matters is that you don’t let your actions be a result of your judgement. Pity those classmates let their judgement of you being a spy to your mom let it get in the way of being friends…

    I may judge someone who is over-friendly and seems fake as a person, but i cannot let that be the basis of how i behave with such a person… that’s plain unfair.

    Sheesh, questions and concerns of well-wishers!! I know it’s difficult, but just try a technique… to their every question, smile very politely and ask, “Why?”

    D: Now thats an idea! I AM going to use that technique! Oooh, I can already visualize the snubbed faces of those uncle jis & auntijis πŸ˜€

    Ok, you will be in deeeeeeeeeeeep trouble if you don’t tell me when u have landed in Delhi!!! :mrgreen:

    D: You’ve got mail, sweetie-pie πŸ™‚

    Give my muahs to Namnam! Hugs!

    Muahs & Hugs back to you from Namnam πŸ™‚

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  19. ‘In the end what I’m trying to say is that its fine if people judge us. So long as we are satisfied and HAPPY with our decisions, its time we learned to ignore those who judge us.’ So true, Deepu.

    I have got two sons and everyone was asking me to have a daughter! Now, they have entered into their thirties and now facing this question, ‘why are they not getting married?’. Half the time I just keep quiet or just say ‘it is their wish’. If they keep on persisting for a ‘good’ answer, then I snap!

    It is easy to say ‘ignore’ but ignoring when the words keep ringing in your ears is difficult, isn’t it Deepu?

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  20. Couldn’t agree more. Judging people is an embedded human trait and terribly clingy at that. At the end of the day we have the right to our own choices, beliefs and ideas. Its more vexing because like you said, it doesn’t change one tiny thing.

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  21. lovely thought-provoking post again!
    ‘β€˜In the end what I’m trying to say is that its fine if people judge us. So long as we are satisfied and HAPPY with our decisions, its time we learned to ignore those who judge us.’ – Very true. That’s my policy too. I’ve been judged countless times, and still am. I guess it’ll never stop. I’m just learning not to pay heed (though it sometimes gets to me badly), as long as I am really happy with what I am.

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  22. This is such an amazing post Deeps. I do believe it is impossible to not judge. In fact, I judge people who claim to never judge. But as long as you keep your judgments to yourself, it is okay.

    And yeah, also be strong enough to ignore the judgments that are passed. They’re not verdicts, simply opinions of people you shouldn’t care too much about.

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  23. Judging? Problem is on what basis you are doing it. Judging is also associated with making a choice or decision making.

    Judging and decision making are output based on input, of course heavily influenced by temperament. Input can be characterized in many ways.

    With life and survival being so complex, it is not that simple to describe these aspects. Many theories have come in these processes.

    But it is totally unfair to say unpleasant things reflexively right on face at least in the first instance. But judging on personnel life of some one, huuuuh, I say go to hell.

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