There’s some fierce discussion happening on IHM’s post, with many commenters voicing their thoughts on arranged marriage vis a vis love marriage. Now I agree with some of what is being discussed.
I agree how ridiculous it is when in an arranged marriage the boy and the girl, absolute strangers to each other, are thrown in together on the day of the wedding and then expected to have sex on the very first night.
I agree its being gravely unfair to the girl mentioned in the post, when she is considered cruel for “denying sex and not actively participating in it ” and not the husband who, in my opinion, is the one being cruel by insisting on having sex.
Yes quite a few arranged marriages are about this notion that a bride, for that matter groom too, is expected to remain clueless about what or who is she/he getting married into. And more often than not the bride is expected to adjust to the new surrounding, new family, etc.
Not all arranged marriages, mind you. Which is where I want to butt in.
I dont agree with the generalization that all arranged marriages are bad. I had an arranged marriage. And no I was not forced into it. I had every freedom to opt for or out of it as per my will. And I am very certain that if I had fallen in love with someone before I got engaged or married, and wished to marry him, my parents would have been as forthcoming. It was sheer chance that I didnt find anybody to my liking until my parents found a suitable boy. And when they found him it was again upto me to decide whether I really wanted to marry him or no.
We had a brief period of 5 months in which time my then-fiancee-now-husband truly realized that we did want to marry each other. And in those 5 months we discussed every possible apprehension, every possible anxiety creeping inside us, got to know each other well enough to get a better understanding of our relationship and also of our future. Believe me, if even one of us had had a slight doubt, we would have backed out and our families would have been just as supportive.
Love or arranged, a marriage has to entail certain amount of adjustments and compromises. It is just as possible for two people in a love-marriage to realize later that they are not compatible enough to live together as two people in an arranged marriage to realize how much they were meant to be together!
Its all subjective. We cant generalize.
In my opinion a marriage if arranged by the families needs to ensure that the bride and groom have enough time to meet, understand each other and gauge how accepting each one is to the other’s flaws and strengths before they tie the knot. I know its still not a guarantee that the marriage will work. But then neither is a love marriage, right? No marriage is a guarantee unless the couple involved takes equal effort and care to nurture the relationship, make compromises, adjust while respecting each other’s principles, help each other to grow. And yes I reiterate, this has to be mutual.
To me , my marriage holds as much importance as a choice marriage for the simple reason that R & I, although found for each other by our families, chose each other!
No I have nothing against choice marriages. I am very much for it and endorse it wholeheartedly. But I am not against arranged marriages either. I am all for an arranged marriage which is arranged keeping utmost in mind the interests and decisions of the couple-to-marry.