Dear Namnam,

Sorry, da.

There are so many things that I want to say sorry to you for. Many times I do say it to you, but a lot of times I forget. Actually the fact is that I forget because you make it so easy for me to forget.

Because YOU forget.

You forget that I was horrible to you. Then, you ever so easily put me back in your “my Amma is the best” space!

I’m not the best yet da. You deserve to be treated so much better by your Amma. But I sometimes get so caught up with things happening around me and even more, inside my mind that I go astray and cause mayhem while dealing with you.

So let me say it again. Sorry for the many things that I do or don’t do even, that eventually hurt you or disappoint you. You may just say, it’s ok, Amma and move on, like you always do. Because that’s the kind of person you are. A child still. Ever so forgiving. But that, in no way, means that I can get away, right.

I hate myself, Namnam, absolutely hate myself when I take out my monster self on you. I yelled at you today. I yelled at you last night. And the day before. Each time, probably making you wonder if it’s something that I am beginning to enjoy as a hobby.

Now, sometimes you ask for that monster mom to be pulled out, we can’t deny that, can we! Like today? I did start off by being soft on you, all the while trying my best to keep my lava boiling inside my panicking-mind from bursting, when you had to be coaxed and prodded to dress up fast. But despite being aware that you were running late for school, you had to run back upstairs in the nick of time to get your book!! And the result? The lava burst and out came the monster-mom spitting fire!

Or what about last night? When you were well past your bed time but you still couldn’t help making that feeble attempt at staying awake for that extra minute by sneaking out of your bed on the pretext of getting some water to drink? I had no choice but to resort to a roar loud enough for you to crawl back in bed meekly.

Of course I instantly regretted roaring at you, when you kissed me goodnight with a tight hug as though nothing else but your love for me mattered.

So, sorry, kanna, for being hard on you. But sometimes, that’s the only way to get you back in track.

And then there are times when I wonder if I am a little too dismissive. When you pretend to be a baby and ask to be carried and cuddled like one. Or creep and crawl to the bathroom and ask that you be given a shower. I dismiss all of your pleas at times, tell you off and remind you of your “big girl” status. Much as I hate reminding myself that you are growing up, times like this when you remind me otherwise, make me wonder how strange and weird life is.

Sometimes, much I sense that I am unfair to you, I find myself pushing you to give your best, ignoring that you probably are giving your best afterall. I ignore still, just so that you can belong to the peer you represent. I’m really really sorry for that, Namnam. I genuinely am. Sometimes I get buckled under peer pressure of my own. And I realize very well that I need to take it easy and curb my anxieties.

So please forgive for being what may seem unjust.

You are my pride. And there’s not been a single day that I haven’t said this to myself. I have re-iterated it to you at every occasion. I must say it more often, I realize that. You are the best in your own right. Be the best in your own eyes, on your own terms. Thats all that matters.

With the hope that you will be as forgiving as you are..

Love always,

Amma.

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30 thoughts on “Dear Namnam,

  1. This brought tears to my eyes Deeps. This is so true, kids are maddeningly forgiving. And yes, sometimes what they do in pure innocence makes us lose our cool because our patience is wearing thin. And they act like nothing happened. Zo is 4, but I can already feel it, when I scream at her, I immediately feel horrible. Especially since she recently said ‘Amma you will scold me for what I am about to say’ and I asked her what and she said she wanted water. All because a day before I scolded her for not drinking water before getting to bed. I felt like a total evil, horrid mother – imagine a kid being scared of asking me for water!
    But I guess that’s how it works. So don’t beat yourself up, I am sure the most wonderful mum and Namnam is as lucky to have you as you are to have her.

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    1. Hugs, Girl, to you and Zo. And thank you for those words.

      Sigh, the two Ps- Parenting & Patience- wonder when the two will start complimenting each other 😉

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  2. Di, I can so relate to this post of yours because I have been dealing with this yelling problem for sometime now. But I guess our daughters are the best and forgive us for all those moments when we are hard on them. Also, I hope we get to improve ourselves and get control over our temper trouble. Big hugs to you and lots of love to little Namnam.

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  3. Awwww…Deeps…big mommy hugs from me to you !
    I think every mother goes through this phase and then it subsides…just as it did for me. I used to scream thinking that’ll get things done, but no. After sometime it doesn’t.
    Then I learnt to make my voice steely tight and mutter under my breath. Then, after sometime, that too didn’t help.
    Then I stopped telling it aloud, as they knew what I didn’t like to be done. Only glares…but they started to laugh behind me and keep doing things.
    By this time, they had reached their puberty. And when I started opening up to them and tell them all about the flower-bee things and all, things totally changed for the three of us. It was a lovely time, where we could do mischief together, stay awake beyond bed-time, read horror / ghost stories in the night so that we could scream our lungs out, talk girly stuff behind the man of the house and giggle endlessly. Then, I realized I had wasted so much time screaming my lungs out. After all life’s just once…nothing will be lost if she’s late for school once or if she’s awake beyond her bed-time. Let her undergo all those things. Let her understand the importance of sticking to time, by herself. If she learns on her own, she’ll never forget the lesson for life.
    My two-bits to your situation…I hope its not too much of a gyaan… 😉
    Love you Namnam…just be yourself and stay blessed always ❤

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  4. Hugs, Deeps! This is such a beautiful letter! I can relate to it, even though I haven’t really been through what you describe here with Bubboo. That said, I still do feel like an inadequate mom to her, there are times when I beat myself up, there are times when I am riddled with mommy guilt. The beauty of it all is that Bubboo doesn’t even realise it yet – she just wants my love and affection. Kiss and hug her and play with her for a while, and all is forgiven. Beautiful, yet sad in a way, I think.

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    1. Hugs back, TG! I would just pass on to you what others have said to me here. Dont be so harsh on yourself. Enjoy watching your Bubboo grow, bask in the love she showers on you. God bless you three 🙂

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  5. Deeps, take care and don’t be so harsh on yourself. Yes, I struggle with yelling too but the kids they do drive you up the wall sometimes. 😉 Besides they forgive and forget and also understand the larger picture. Like you, I too wallow in misery but then I go and apologize and they are so cool about it.

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    1. I understand what you are saying Rachna. I agree with you too. Its just that sometimes I feel miserable when I get all aggressive with her. Just one of those days, re :D. I feel much better after pouring out here though and listening to the calming words you all have written. Thank you so much 🙂

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  6. Aww…Deeps.. I so so understand each word of this post, this is the story of every mother. My blog is full with such posts, hugs to you, for Namnam you are the best Mom in the world and that is what really counts… take care Deeps and keep the posts coming….

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  7. Listen Namnam… you are a great kid. There is so much life and laughter being around you. And I have known you only a limited time, yet I say this.
    And the best part is, you have awesome parents. The important thing in life is that your mother recognizes her flaws and is willing to work towards changing them. A lot of parents don’t, trust me. Be patient with her, I know you are. And love her anyway. Sometimes it happens that all her focus is on you (only child syndrome, sigh! been there done that!) and sometimes that works against you. However no matter what, she will be there for you and make sure you know this. Eventually as you grow up, you will realise how important it is that mommy was with you step by step, making sure you grow up into who you should. For when you shine, little star, she shines brighter alongside you…. for nothing gives her greater joy and pride to see you achieve your best. God bless you always!

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  8. Hugs my dearest darling… After reading this, my first reaction was oh I owe so many sorry’s to both of u…Then of course most of the mothers feel so… I just broke down and wept my heart out to know your thoughts my child.Relax all the mothers feel this way most of the time they have been RAKSHASIS to their children. Yess..rakshasi I often have been and so often…. I still remember the day I turned barber to u and cut ur hair haphazardly…so much so that many in the family scolded me. but, u my child, didn’t once take any offence..How I regretted that!!!!There have been instances when I have offended u badly but u always remained my darling . Of course there were occasions when u asked for it and I turned a monster and later wept into my pillow….all these do happen my love. Believe me, like all of us who know u so well, Nammu too does know u are “the bestest ever mother”. Am so so glad u have taken after ur ammamma in this aspect…. Namla my sweet angel! u do know ur amma is the best in the world and for her u are the world..No? Hugs to both of u and love always always…….

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    1. Ammaaaa, you’re the bestest amma for me! No two-ways about it. And you’ll always remain so. Too choked to say anything more right now, Ma. Hugs and much love always. Talk to you in a bit 🙂 ❤

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