Day 7- I wish I could forgive you..

Valiyamma,

Yes thats what I used to call you. Valiyamma, which in literal sense, is a name given to one’s mother’s elder sister, though you are related to my father. You are my father’s favourite cousin, which is why I never really expressed my dislike towards you in obvious terms. It’s a fact, however, that I could never bring myself to address you with the kind of sincerity, the term commanded, for there was not an iota of warmth in you that could make me want to call you valiyamma from my heart. You always came across as an arrogant, self-centered person with a peculiarly repelling trait of looking down upon others. From the few observations I made, during my annual visits to Kerala, you weren’t much of a favourite of anybody in my father’s family. And yet for some strange reason, most of them seemed to overlook your inane habits and be in a perpetual mode to please you.

Anyway, having said this, despite my reservations with you, I never wished you any harm, because (a) your actions never really affected me or my family personally, and (b) I didn’t want to spoil whatever few days of vacation I had at my grandparents’, by harping on the unpleasantness I felt with you around.

I learnt to keep my safe distance from you.

Until the fateful day that is.

The day when you targeted my mother, humiliating her in front of a whole lot of relatives, that included my father, grandparents, my aunts and uncles. What was sorrier to know was that not one person, stood up in support of my mother. You had ensured that. You broke my mother’s trust. In fact everyone in that room at that moment broke her trust. You made my mother cry helplessly. She had always been the one with the strongest heart and demeanor, but your sharp, hateful words pierced through her making her feel weak and worthless. I despised you for doing that to her! You brought me well on the verge of cursing you from the bottom of my heart. Of course my mother, learnt to forgive you for your petty-mind and emerged even stronger.

Not me but. I have not forgiven you..yet. I may have kept a safe distance from you physically, but I have not kept you distant in my thoughts, ever since that day. And trust me, there has not been a single day when I have not thought of you and wished that you would live to repent those harming words you sprayed at my mother.

You had cursed that my mother would never get to enjoy the love and support of her children. But today,let me tell you, that she has all the support and strength needed from both her children. Whereas, by some strange twist of destiny, your children have estranged ties with you, for whatever reasons. You lost all that power with which you used to dictate others’ lives, when your own life came crumbling down with your children going astray.The relatives, who hovered over you, aren’t seen or heard singing your praises or flattering you anymore.

I’m not sure if you will ever read this letter. I don’t care if you do. All I wish is for you to realize how hurtful your words have been. I wish you would regret the words that came out of your mouth. Being a teacher yourself, you should know the harming value of thoughtless words spoken in aggression.

I wish I could feel sorry for all that you’ve gone through.

********

P.S: ****A chance browse through my drafts took me to this post that I wrote 3 years ago, but never got around to posting. I don’t know if posting it now will make any difference to how I feel about the person the letter is addressed to… but it is an attempt nonetheless to let go of the pent-up grudge that I have held on to from my growing up years.***

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Day 5- Decisions…

They are so deceptive.

At one glance, they look easy. You feel as if you have a complete hold on them. And then when you sit and ponder over, they get more and more difficult to tame.

I don’t know if it’s the right time to share here. Because we haven’t reached any headway in our decision, so it’s premature still. But since this is where I put my thoughts down when I can’t put elsewhere, I guess it’s only natural that I do so.

We have been mulling over bringing home a pet for quite some time. A pet dog to be precise because it’s Namnam’s wish and a wish that R completely backs because he is a dog lover to the core. As for me I have no real preference because I have never considered myself an animal person.

I know that it’s not as easy as it sounds. Making a decision to raise a pet is no joke. It’s a huge step. Probably even as huge as the one I took when R&I decided to have Namnam.

So when Namnam expressed a wish to get a pet, even though it seemed like a natural progression and a simple one at that to make, R & I have been a little jittery.

Funnily though the dog lover of the family and the only one who has grown up with dogs as his best friend all through is the more jittery of us, while I have rather been carried away by our girl’s yearning which has been getting stronger by the day.

So you can imagine the scenario here. The more practical the more sensible member of the family is already running the risk of being run over by the other two chronically emotional members.

While I completely understand when R says that having a pet at home would entail a big responsibility, it may hit our social life in a big way, we may even feel curtailed to travel as often as we do since that would mean sending your pet to a pet care center which is an exorbitant option here. Not to mention a scenario when we will have families staying over. Will they be able to cope well? He has all the valid points. It IS a huge responsibility. Yet I find myself wondering what if it does work out. We wouldn’t know how well we can cope until we do tread that path and try, right.

And then again a worrying thought creeps in..what if it doesn’t work out? What if I don’t warm up to the kid? Because all said n done I, more than anyone, have to spend a good part of the day with him/her.

I really don’t know when it will all fall in place. There are so many things that we have to consider before we take that plunge finally and it might even overturn our lives completely.

Right then a friend sends a pic of the most adorable thing looking in hope of finding a home and I realize how much I want this to work out for my girl’s sake more than anything.

Maybe there is a pup out there who’s waiting to accept us in his/her life…

 

Weekend muse, where art thou?- Day 4

Yawwwnnnn!

The day dawned late. It’s a weekend here, so…I’m very lazy today.

Psst..

Can I do a Wordless Wednesday on a Friday and get today’s post done with?

No? Darn!

Alright then, let me look around the house for some muse.

Hmm..do I see anything worth musing over? Nope.

What I see are some cushions strewn about the couch; a bunch of newspapers peeking out from under the center table; Namnam’s swimming bag lying listlessly on the sofa; her school bag lying shut with a clear ‘I’m on weekend mode too’ sign! I walk over to the kitchen, there I am met with all my pans and dishes lying here and there, waiting to be stacked back in the shelves. There’s a’Monica Geller within me springing vigorously to come out and organize everything around and make the home spotlessly clean.

And then there’s a me within me warning me that weekends are not meant to be messed with cleaning. So I stay put.

Image Courtesy- Google
Image Courtesy- Google

Next I drift my mind to Ae Dil Hai Mushkil that I just watched and I start crying. Not because of its terribly weak story. In fact I liked the film despite its weak plot. I’m sad because I feel sorry for Ranbir Kapoor. He is such a fine actor who is sadly getting bracketed into same kind of roles 😦

And that’s it for now. My mind is numbed. I need some tea. Off I go.

Have a good weekend you all!

Ear-buds are NOT exactly your buddies! – Day 3

And I learned it the hard way when I recently went deaf.

Well almost deaf, if not for a kind ENT specialist’s timely help. If he hadn’t dug into my ears and pulled out a tiny tuft of cotton, I would still be a religious user of the deceptive bunch of sticks out to mislead everyone. It was a scary revelation to say the least, when the doctor explained how my addiction to the buds could harm me beyond repair.

Yes you read that right. Addicted. I was addicted to the buds so much that a huge box of ear buds was invariably a regular item in my monthly grocery list. They had become an integral part of my everyday life. Every time I would get an itchy ear, I stopped thinking straight…as if nothing was right. I would be overpowered by an uncontrollable urge to run to the box, pull out a stick and push it in my ears until I felt calm. There was an insane pleasure that tingling of buds in the ears brought about which kept pulling me towards them and I kept getting drowned in their spell.

Image Courtesy- Google
Image Courtesy- Google

I kept at it without realizing that a mere tending to an itchy ear was actually having an adverse impact. Until the sounds and noises started to blank out around me.

Fortunately it wasn’t too late. The doctor treated my blocked ears and advised commanded me to throw the box of buds out of the window!

I learnt from him how a regular usage of buds could lead to infection and permanent hearing loss. Some of us do produce excess wax which needs to be removed, but for most of us it need not be removed. Ear wax is essential to guard our ears from bacteria and water. So removing it will make the delicate skin more susceptible to infection. And pushing it with earbuds into the ear could further puncture our eardrums as well.

It’s funny and yet scary how these ear buds- no thanks to Johnson & Johnson– were constantly featured as a gift item for babies. I remember, when Namnam was born, we used to receive these gift packs and most of them would have a bunch of ear buds too tucked in a corner. I never used them on her though. Thankfully she has never been drawn to buds till date. Ironic I know, considering my addiction!

I shudder to think how potentially dangerous the buds could be if used on small kids!

Hopefully they will never be back into our house ever. I have learnt my lesson. Although I do feel the itch at times, we have managed to keep the buds far and away, thanks to the timely warning from my doctor ringing loud and clear and still echoing in my ears.