Day 17- If only I could’t care less…

I would be so much more at peace.

Sometimes I feel I could learn much from R. With no hang-ups over what others may think of him. Those who know him well, would know what I mean. He is in no rush to please people. He blurts out his opinions bluntly. It’s not that he says things without thinking. Oh he knows well what he says. What he says is what he truly thinks, feels and believes. All the time. He does and says what he wants to, whether people like it or not  is secondary. If they approve well and good. If they don’t he couldn’t care less. There are no multiple tracks running in his mind at the same time.

Unlike me.

I think and think again and then again. Then I feel I should say it. Then I hold back thinking people may dislike me for saying it so bluntly. And end up saying something entirely different, just to please them. Just because that is what they want to hear. And what I truly feel gets suppressed within me which more often than not clashes with my inner peace big time!

I had written once before long back how I would get bothered by someone’s behavior, yet I wouldn’t express it openly for I hate confrontations. But sometimes I get bothered by my own behaviour even more.  No not by my inability to say no. That is a trait I am learning to correct. And I’m getting there, albeit slowly but surely. It’s my inability to stand up for the people I love and care about purely because of this inane habit to be in others’ good books that irks me the most.

Sounds ironic, right? In my compelling desire to be miss goody goody with everyone, I let my own people down.  I should focus on being there for them, the people who matter in my life and standing up for them when anyone pounces on them, right? But I end up staying mum instead because I fear displeasing others. How horrible does that make me sound!

Now my big worry is what if Namnam imbibes the quality from me. So far she has been managing well. She seems to be going the R way, with her heart and head firmly in place :D. I hope she is never governed by the inane urge to please everyone. Rather gives more importance to keeping her own conscience clear and being pleased with herself than anything else. Fingers crossed.

So Where is Home for Me?

The cliched answer would be..home is where my heart is.

And I have my heart very much safe and alive in Delhi. So to me Delhi is home. India, to say it in a larger scheme of the term. Despite her misgivings. Despite her shortcomings. Despite the fact that I left my country about 13 years ago along with my husband in pursuit of a better life. Despite all that that is home for me because I was born and raised there, earned and learned a major chunk of who I am from there, and more importantly I am a citizen of my country.

Because.. all said and done, no matter how much I may have gained from here in the Middle East, how so ever much this region may have done and may be doing to make us feel accepted, it will never accept me as its own, as its citizen. That status, that honour, that privilege I will always from the country I was born in, and belong to.  And that makes a lot of difference in the way I perceive the definition of home. Which is why there’s still the hope and resolve to go back to her for good again one day.

Now in the last decade plus that I have been away, we have moved places many times, each time making the city we moved to, our own little home away from home. Its not as if we have ever felt unwelcome in any of the places the we have lived, we have perfectly been able to warm up to them and vice versa. Yet, there has been a conscious effort to keep the flame of our intention to go back, burning . We have never had a long term plan to live in this region ever. In fact when we left Delhi in 2002, to come to the Middle East, we had told ourselves that we will go back in 2 years. Its a different thing that its been 13 years here! Yet the region is a wee bit away from being a home in the truest sense. Its probably because the lever of the 25 years of my life in India is still heavier than the 13 years that I have been here. So the sense of belonging is still more towards my home country than the adapted one.

I do not know what life has in store for me and my family. Where we will be in the next 5 years, so to speak. I am not sure whether my views or my definition of home will undergo a change ever. What I do know is that I am immensely grateful for the way life has shaped up so far. And I hope I continue to be, wherever my family and I are.

December is here already?

Gosh! Are we already in the last month of the year? When did the rest of the months come by and where did they go? It seems like y’day that I bid adieu to a very distressing 2011 and welcomed 2012 with full of hope for a better tomorrow.

The year didnt disappoint, I can say that for sure :). It has largely been a memorable year for us. And I’m deeply grateful to God for that.

In fact, to be honest, I sort of hoped that this year would move past at a more leisurely pace so I could take in all the positive vibes and joyous moments that the year has had to offer me and my family.

But the year seems to have gone by in a flash! And I haven’t even had the time to let these moments sink in. Or have I? Am I getting greedy? My heart craves for more such moments.

When I think of the tough and draining 2011, I shudder!

Right then I feel blessed when I realize how so beautifully has this year made up for all the depressing times of the previous one.

And now, its that time of the year again when I have the same nagging sense of unsurity slowly creeping inside me.

Am I ready to say goodbye to this year yet?
Can I not hold on to it for some more time?
Will all the good moments lived and cherished in this year be carried forward to the next year?
Will the happiness last for years to come or will it be short-lived?
Will the coming year unfold for us things that we may not have prepared or asked for?

Just when these moping thoughts begin to needle me, my mind drifts away to look for some positivity around. And I realize that I dont have to go very far. Because this also is the time of the year that brings a smile on my face..

for everything looks so beautiful and festive..
for the weather is so nippy, cheering me up every time a soft breeze brushes my cheeks..
for my plants look so happy when they wish me each morning with their freshest blooms…

for I feel ever so kicked up to pick up a book to read..
for I feel ever so driven to scribble something( even if gibberish), to give free passage to the words brewing inside me…

for this so is my favorite time of the year..

For I feel so blessed to be…

Touchwood!