Day 7- I wish I could forgive you..

Valiyamma,

Yes thats what I used to call you. Valiyamma, which in literal sense, is a name given to one’s mother’s elder sister, though you are related to my father. You are my father’s favourite cousin, which is why I never really expressed my dislike towards you in obvious terms. It’s a fact, however, that I could never bring myself to address you with the kind of sincerity, the term commanded, for there was not an iota of warmth in you that could make me want to call you valiyamma from my heart. You always came across as an arrogant, self-centered person with a peculiarly repelling trait of looking down upon others. From the few observations I made, during my annual visits to Kerala, you weren’t much of a favourite of anybody in my father’s family. And yet for some strange reason, most of them seemed to overlook your inane habits and be in a perpetual mode to please you.

Anyway, having said this, despite my reservations with you, I never wished you any harm, because (a) your actions never really affected me or my family personally, and (b) I didn’t want to spoil whatever few days of vacation I had at my grandparents’, by harping on the unpleasantness I felt with you around.

I learnt to keep my safe distance from you.

Until the fateful day that is.

The day when you targeted my mother, humiliating her in front of a whole lot of relatives, that included my father, grandparents, my aunts and uncles. What was sorrier to know was that not one person, stood up in support of my mother. You had ensured that. You broke my mother’s trust. In fact everyone in that room at that moment broke her trust. You made my mother cry helplessly. She had always been the one with the strongest heart and demeanor, but your sharp, hateful words pierced through her making her feel weak and worthless. I despised you for doing that to her! You brought me well on the verge of cursing you from the bottom of my heart. Of course my mother, learnt to forgive you for your petty-mind and emerged even stronger.

Not me but. I have not forgiven you..yet. I may have kept a safe distance from you physically, but I have not kept you distant in my thoughts, ever since that day. And trust me, there has not been a single day when I have not thought of you and wished that you would live to repent those harming words you sprayed at my mother.

You had cursed that my mother would never get to enjoy the love and support of her children. But today,let me tell you, that she has all the support and strength needed from both her children. Whereas, by some strange twist of destiny, your children have estranged ties with you, for whatever reasons. You lost all that power with which you used to dictate others’ lives, when your own life came crumbling down with your children going astray.The relatives, who hovered over you, aren’t seen or heard singing your praises or flattering you anymore.

I’m not sure if you will ever read this letter. I don’t care if you do. All I wish is for you to realize how hurtful your words have been. I wish you would regret the words that came out of your mouth. Being a teacher yourself, you should know the harming value of thoughtless words spoken in aggression.

I wish I could feel sorry for all that you’ve gone through.

********

P.S: ****A chance browse through my drafts took me to this post that I wrote 3 years ago, but never got around to posting. I don’t know if posting it now will make any difference to how I feel about the person the letter is addressed to… but it is an attempt nonetheless to let go of the pent-up grudge that I have held on to from my growing up years.***

Dear Jayanti, as you leave us to usher in a new chapter in your life

I cant help but look back on all the years that you have been with uncle & aunty…with us and wonder at the time flown by.

I have written to you before about how indebted I am to you for being there for us ( and I am hoping you would get your child[ren] read the letter one day and know how much you mean to me and my family), yet after all these years no amount of thank yous seem enough to truly express my heartfelt gratitude.

Although I knew this day was to come at some point in time, I never realized it would hit me so hard so soon…until you called me last night to say good-bye.ย  The minute you said, ‘ Didi mai jaa rahi hoon’ it dawned on me that the moment was here for real. I had so much to tell you but the sheer overwhelming nature of the situation made me struggle for words!

I wanted to tell you how much I was going to miss you. How much I would miss discussing the latest episodes of tele-soaps :D. How much I would miss calling out to you.

I wanted to tell you how bereft the house would seem without you around.

I wanted to tell you that when we come to Delhi, like always the first thing that Namnam’s eyes would look out for as soon as she enters the house would be you.

I wanted to tell you that she had drawn you in her family chart alongside her Ammachu, Ammamma and Thaatha. For her you are family. For us too, Jayanti ๐Ÿ™‚

I wanted to tell you how much Namnam would miss running around you and cuddling up,

I wanted to tell you that she would terribly miss making your hair, undoing it and then combing it again and then undoing it and then clipping it again…and I would miss watching you sit through all of that patiently with your ever-effervescent smile ๐Ÿ™‚

I wanted to tell you that I would miss watching you drum Achan-your uncle’s head playfully while waiting for him to finish his tea, hearing you recount a fun-ride you and Aunty had in a metro, watching the three of you laugh and crack jokes at each other. Even though watching you with uncle & aunty evoked a tinge of envy in me for the simple reason that the moments made me realize that you were getting to spend far more precious time with them than me. Yet those moments reassured how beautifully the three of you gelled with each other and how wonderfully you had accepted each other. For a daughter who lived so far away from her parents, believe me Jayanti, you were a great source of reassurance that my parents were in secure hands :).

I wanted to tell you to stay being the ever-smiling, loving and caring girl that you are ๐Ÿ™‚

I wanted to tell you that if ever you felt challenged in any walk of life, you must be bold and strong to face it. Be known that Uncle Aunty, Raghubhaiyya and I will always be there for you.

I wanted to tell you to always stick to your grounds, to never compromise on your ideals, for I know how strong willed and principled you are.

I wanted to tell you, as you gear up to embark on a new journey, to be accepting towards your new family and command as much acceptance from them. Having said that I hope and pray that you are blessed with a wonderful husband and a wonderful family ๐Ÿ™‚

I wanted to tell you to be happy. And I remember now that I did tell you that. I really want you to be. You deserve to be. In every bit of the way, my dear girl. May God bless you with all the happiness in the world.

Love always

Didi