Day 7- I wish I could forgive you..

Valiyamma,

Yes thats what I used to call you. Valiyamma, which in literal sense, is a name given to one’s mother’s elder sister, though you are related to my father. You are my father’s favourite cousin, which is why I never really expressed my dislike towards you in obvious terms. It’s a fact, however, that I could never bring myself to address you with the kind of sincerity, the term commanded, for there was not an iota of warmth in you that could make me want to call you valiyamma from my heart. You always came across as an arrogant, self-centered person with a peculiarly repelling trait of looking down upon others. From the few observations I made, during my annual visits to Kerala, you weren’t much of a favourite of anybody in my father’s family. And yet for some strange reason, most of them seemed to overlook your inane habits and be in a perpetual mode to please you.

Anyway, having said this, despite my reservations with you, I never wished you any harm, because (a) your actions never really affected me or my family personally, and (b) I didn’t want to spoil whatever few days of vacation I had at my grandparents’, by harping on the unpleasantness I felt with you around.

I learnt to keep my safe distance from you.

Until the fateful day that is.

The day when you targeted my mother, humiliating her in front of a whole lot of relatives, that included my father, grandparents, my aunts and uncles. What was sorrier to know was that not one person, stood up in support of my mother. You had ensured that. You broke my mother’s trust. In fact everyone in that room at that moment broke her trust. You made my mother cry helplessly. She had always been the one with the strongest heart and demeanor, but your sharp, hateful words pierced through her making her feel weak and worthless. I despised you for doing that to her! You brought me well on the verge of cursing you from the bottom of my heart. Of course my mother, learnt to forgive you for your petty-mind and emerged even stronger.

Not me but. I have not forgiven you..yet. I may have kept a safe distance from you physically, but I have not kept you distant in my thoughts, ever since that day. And trust me, there has not been a single day when I have not thought of you and wished that you would live to repent those harming words you sprayed at my mother.

You had cursed that my mother would never get to enjoy the love and support of her children. But today,let me tell you, that she has all the support and strength needed from both her children. Whereas, by some strange twist of destiny, your children have estranged ties with you, for whatever reasons. You lost all that power with which you used to dictate others’ lives, when your own life came crumbling down with your children going astray.The relatives, who hovered over you, aren’t seen or heard singing your praises or flattering you anymore.

I’m not sure if you will ever read this letter. I don’t care if you do. All I wish is for you to realize how hurtful your words have been. I wish you would regret the words that came out of your mouth. Being a teacher yourself, you should know the harming value of thoughtless words spoken in aggression.

I wish I could feel sorry for all that you’ve gone through.

********

P.S: ****A chance browse through my drafts took me to this post that I wrote 3 years ago, but never got around to posting. I don’t know if posting it now will make any difference to how I feel about the person the letter is addressed to… but it is an attempt nonetheless to let go of the pent-up grudge that I have held on to from my growing up years.***

The week where I learned to let go..

It’s not often that I get overly affected by people who disappoint me by their actions or inactions. Yes I do get hurt by people, but I dont let my mind brood over them for long. I move on. But when the people in question are those whom I consider close to me, then I feel terribly let down. Let down by the people I felt close to. Let down by my own feelings that put them in such high regard. Then again, I don’t like it one bit when the negativity inside me begins to fester. Which is why I make peace with them soon enough, either by reaching out to them or giving in when they reach out. No, I don’t confront them either or seek explanations for their actions. I know by saying this I may not be projecting a very strong trait. Call me weak or cowardly, but the fact is that I try as much as possible to avoid confrontations.

Confrontations make me uncomfortable. So when someone says/does something hurtful to me, I walk away or just keep quiet and ignore the person. If the person is an acquaintance or someone I barely know then I stop acknowledging his/her existence entirely. This is my way of moving on.

But if someone close to me hurts me through their words or actions, then obviously I feel the stab but something holds me back from cutting the person off. Then I just lie low and stop interacting with the person till I have made peace with the situation.

Lately I have been sensing some disappointing vibes from people I felt close to. The very process of getting hurt, feeling bad, being taken for granted, harbouring negative thoughts has been pulling me in.

The week gone by made me take a step back and introspect. It made me wonder why it was that people did what they did, why it was that I got affected by what they did. Did they even know that I was hurt? Was I taking them a bit too seriously, when I didn’t need to? In all probability, for them, I may not be as close a friend of theirs as I believe I am. In which case was it not best to let go of whatever binding I might have felt? Pondering further, I felt that I was probably wrong in giving so much of importance and thought to people who didn’t deserve that attention from me.

The week gave me some wonderful moments with people who mattered to me and that truly made me realize that it was THEM and those happy moments that I should be giving more importance to.

As I write this post now, I am telling myself to accept that that some relationships may not necessarily command the same level of sincerity that you expect. Which is why it is best to let go of them, of your notions.

To quote Hermann Hesse

Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go

Thank you Corinne..your post gave me the much needed push to organize my thoughts more clearly!