Day 21- If we were having coffee..

I’d tell you that I’m not feeling too well today. I’m tired both physically and mentally. So I’d wonder if it would be ok to have tea instead since a good cup of karak chai is what can rejuvenate me, pep me up! I’m more of a tea guzzler than a coffee-lover you see.

I’d tell you that even though I had been meaning to read Go Set a Watchman, Scorpia’s post was what finally got me to borrow it from my library today.

I’d tell you that sometimes the need to prove yourself to people who make you feel accountable to them can take a toll on your peace of mind. Especially when you don’t owe them any explanation.

I’d tell you that when I feel buckled under pressure, all I need to see is an elated face of my child after she hears a simple “you were fantastic, Namnam!” from her music teacher to make me realize that not every achievement is measured by a rating or a certificate. A small word of appreciation, encouragement can make a world of difference. Every child is an achiever in his/her own right.

I’d tell you that the same uncle ji, a fellow volunteer  whom I met last week at the library was there today as well to help us out. And this time I remembered to tell him how I admired his zest for life. Oh how he blushed!

I’d tell you that I have made choley and parathas. So you’re most welcome to join us for dinner after you’ve finished your cuppa!

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Day 17- If only I could’t care less…

I would be so much more at peace.

Sometimes I feel I could learn much from R. With no hang-ups over what others may think of him. Those who know him well, would know what I mean. He is in no rush to please people. He blurts out his opinions bluntly. It’s not that he says things without thinking. Oh he knows well what he says. What he says is what he truly thinks, feels and believes. All the time. He does and says what he wants to, whether people like it or not  is secondary. If they approve well and good. If they don’t he couldn’t care less. There are no multiple tracks running in his mind at the same time.

Unlike me.

I think and think again and then again. Then I feel I should say it. Then I hold back thinking people may dislike me for saying it so bluntly. And end up saying something entirely different, just to please them. Just because that is what they want to hear. And what I truly feel gets suppressed within me which more often than not clashes with my inner peace big time!

I had written once before long back how I would get bothered by someone’s behavior, yet I wouldn’t express it openly for I hate confrontations. But sometimes I get bothered by my own behaviour even more.  No not by my inability to say no. That is a trait I am learning to correct. And I’m getting there, albeit slowly but surely. It’s my inability to stand up for the people I love and care about purely because of this inane habit to be in others’ good books that irks me the most.

Sounds ironic, right? In my compelling desire to be miss goody goody with everyone, I let my own people down.  I should focus on being there for them, the people who matter in my life and standing up for them when anyone pounces on them, right? But I end up staying mum instead because I fear displeasing others. How horrible does that make me sound!

Now my big worry is what if Namnam imbibes the quality from me. So far she has been managing well. She seems to be going the R way, with her heart and head firmly in place :D. I hope she is never governed by the inane urge to please everyone. Rather gives more importance to keeping her own conscience clear and being pleased with herself than anything else. Fingers crossed.

Day 14- Moony Monday

Began with the usual morning chore. Packed an omelette some cheese slices and a few Oreos along with Namnam to school.

Then packed R to office.

Then set off to pack myself to the library

Enjoyed every bit of my time there.

Met an interesting person, a fellow volunteer. He told us that he visited his daughter once in a year and quite enjoyed whiling away his time by helping out in the library once in a while. He was quite old, probably as old as my father, which made it even more adorable to see him so spirited and so eager to learn.

After the library work, went to Namnam’s school to watch her perform in a play. Like always I sat there like a bundle of nerves, at the edge of my seat shuddering at the thought of her forgetting her lines and came back all proud and overcome by emotions to see my baby rock it on stage!

And now while wondering what to post, it struck me that today was a significant day. It was the day of the super moon. So out we ran to see the moon which was believed to be the biggest and brightest one to rise in 69 years. And click this pic as a proof.

 

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So thats Moony Monday for you all 😛

Day 13- Not Before You

So, the other day I was getting ready to pick Namnam up from school.  Her school finishes at around 3. Even though I am just 5 minutes away from school, I leave more than half an hour early so I can claim a good parking spot in time and save myself from getting squished by other vehicles scampering for space. Its a mad rush otherwise!

Now on most of the days I wait till she is back from school, to have my lunch with her. But that day I was very hungry so I ate before leaving to pick her. When she was home she didn’t fret about having to eat her lunch alone because she knew I had eaten mine. And she was cool about it. Since I have done it a couple of times before, she was probably convinced that it was not such a big deal that her Amma had eaten lunch without waiting for her 😀

Every time I do this, my thoughts take me to my grandmother who would have been disappointed, if she were alive. She would have scolded me for my nonchalance! She was someone who always waited for her husband, her children and later on her grandchildren- that’s me and my brother- to get home from wherever we would be, till she served us our meals and then sat with us to have hers.  So there was always an underlying message where she subtly insisted on waiting for us whether we wanted to be waited for or no.

A lot of parents behave in this manner, I have observed,without realizing the undue pressure they may be putting on their children. While I know the intention is to convey that they care, but I find the gesture pretty constricting.

I remember a friend mentioning once how terrible she and her husband felt when they came home after a late night dinner only to eat again with their parents because they were waiting for them till late!! And they felt guilty to have made them wait, despite informing that they would be late.

Its like suffocating our kids with our impractical love, isn’t it?. By making them feel guilty with our claustrophobic show of love, we aren’t making them love us more, instead we may be driving them away from us.

I sometimes feel bad when I can’t keep up to the expectations I might have set in Namnam’s mind. Then I realize that by setting an impractical bar of expectation in my kid’s mind, I may be knowingly or unknowingly misleading her. She may get dejected if for some reason I am not in a position to keep up to that expectation.

So it’s best to establish a more practical understanding of each other where there’s no room for disappointment or undue pressure on either.