So Where is Home for Me?

The cliched answer would be..home is where my heart is.

And I have my heart very much safe and alive in Delhi. So to me Delhi is home. India, to say it in a larger scheme of the term. Despite her misgivings. Despite her shortcomings. Despite the fact that I left my country about 13 years ago along with my husband in pursuit of a better life. Despite all that that is home for me because I was born and raised there, earned and learned a major chunk of who I am from there, and more importantly I am a citizen of my country.

Because.. all said and done, no matter how much I may have gained from here in the Middle East, how so ever much this region may have done and may be doing to make us feel accepted, it will never accept me as its own, as its citizen. That status, that honour, that privilege I will always from the country I was born in, and belong to.  And that makes a lot of difference in the way I perceive the definition of home. Which is why there’s still the hope and resolve to go back to her for good again one day.

Now in the last decade plus that I have been away, we have moved places many times, each time making the city we moved to, our own little home away from home. Its not as if we have ever felt unwelcome in any of the places the we have lived, we have perfectly been able to warm up to them and vice versa. Yet, there has been a conscious effort to keep the flame of our intention to go back, burning . We have never had a long term plan to live in this region ever. In fact when we left Delhi in 2002, to come to the Middle East, we had told ourselves that we will go back in 2 years. Its a different thing that its been 13 years here! Yet the region is a wee bit away from being a home in the truest sense. Its probably because the lever of the 25 years of my life in India is still heavier than the 13 years that I have been here. So the sense of belonging is still more towards my home country than the adapted one.

I do not know what life has in store for me and my family. Where we will be in the next 5 years, so to speak. I am not sure whether my views or my definition of home will undergo a change ever. What I do know is that I am immensely grateful for the way life has shaped up so far. And I hope I continue to be, wherever my family and I are.

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The Saturday with a Silly Heading

Rather such-a-stupid heading!

I seriously need to take a crash course on how to give good headings to my post :roll:. Many a time I have had to chuck my thoughts in the trash because I have been rather unskillful of packaging them with a good heading. Like now.

I had so many things running through my mind today to share it here, but by the time I got here to jot them down, I went blank, because I didnt have a suitable heading in mind to start it off with. I can be weird that way. I cannot write a post until I have a title ready. It IS weird, isnt it? Now if you know what you want to write, if you have a fair idea about the content your post is to have, it shouldn’t be difficult to transfer all those words in your mind on to your page, right, unless you are attacked by a ghastly writer’s block. Isn’t it stupid to just wait for a good heading to hit you right in the head to get you started onto something which you already know the beginning of? Confused, eh? Well, don’t be. All I’m saying is that I act stupid sometimes 😛

I do believe that a good heading is the essence of an article or blogpost in my case. But I feel crippled at times when I get adamant on thinking of a title first before starting to write.

How’s it with you all? Do you get the title in place first or just start writing right away and then let the title take shape as the post progresses?

Day-24: Learning to say No…have I succeeded yet?

To continue with my previous post, as I said it’s weird how the dynamics of saying no change as we grow up. So probably it’s because of the way I am conditioned, I have always found it difficult to say no to anyone. Irrespective of how close or not I am to them. If they come up to me for any sort of help or favour, I invariable end up saying, “OK! Sure! I’ll do it” even when it is utterly inconvenient to me.

Now my parents, R & Namnam are people I can say no to for I know they won’t judge me. It’s the other people, friends, relatives, acquaintances, even rank strangers that I end up trying to please even when I don’t need to. Why do I even worry about being judged by strangers…even I dont know!!

No, it is not a good trait to possess. Definitely not. I know how unsettling and weakening it is to not say no when your heart tells you to say otherwise. This inane urge to be in the good books of everyone is not something to feel proud of. It is unreal, impractical and very unhealthy. I know that. Cos at the end of the day I end up cribbing about that person or that situation and heavily cursing myself for landing in that situation which I could have avoided. So whether I am in any one else’s good books or no, I am certainly not in my own good books!

Now, in a normal scenario, if I don’t like the way someone behaves with me, whether the person is rude or sugar-coated sweet, both the scenarios making me awfully uncomfortable, I would keep my feelings to myself. But lately, I have managed to convey my dislike for that person’s conduct in my own way. I’m learning to be politely dismissive. I still can’t be blunt, much as I would want to. But this ingrained trait of mine where I try to please everyone, forever wishing I wouldn’t want to be in their bad books, seems to be wearing off. I’m off late able to express my discomfort with a certain situation or person, a bit more explicitly, either through my actions, or my words, or simply by way of my facial expressions! I am probably getting a wisdom tooth, who knows!

Somehow I have started to get bored and annoyed by this habit of mine where I am forever looking to make every one happy. Sometimes I end up committing myself to people at the expense of my family’s comfort zone. Which is so wrong on my part, I realize. They know and I know that I don’t do it willingly or purposely, yet it doesn’t make it right, right?

Yesterday a friend of mine and I were on our way back from a school where our kids had an activity. Now the understanding was that the kids would come back with us from the venue and I would drop my friend and her child home. But upon reaching her child expresses a wish to travel in the school bus which was to drop the kids back in their school from where the respective parents were to pick up their children. So my friend let her go and told her she would pick her up. When we were about to reach her place, she asked if I could drive the car past and take her to school. Clearly she didnt want to take her car and drive down to the school. She’d rather avail the free ride service. Now if it was just her kid who needed to be picked up I would have still considered driving her there, but her child was to be accompanied by another friend who was to be dropped off too. So obviously she was trying to wriggle out a bonus favour too. So while I initially had nodded my head and said ok to drive her to school- because I didnt want her to feel bad- I managed to refuse her straight a little later and eventually drop her home as was the understanding at first.

It won’t be wrong to say that I felt immensely lighter at having been able to say no to her and, for once breaking away from the ridiculous people-pleasing trait.

So let me ask myself again, have I succeeded in learning to say NO yet?

Well, I’m not so sure. But I am getting there. That much I know for sure. Slowly but surely.

November is here- Day 1

So its the first day of the month. First day of the week. Sizeable part of the world may still be on a weekend mode I know. Some may even be trying to crack a code, to turn a Monday into a Sunday too! But here in this part of the world. the weekend is well behind us. There’s nothing worth scribbling at the moment, aside the fact that the summer has started to get milder by the day. Days have begun to get shorter.

Mr Sun which, till a couple of weeks ago, used to be up and about by 4 in the morning in all his fiery glory, nowadays keeps himself snuggled up in the cool cocoon of the skies till as late as 6! I’m not complaining one bit though. I have been waiting for this time throughout the year. And now that it’s here I’m going to make myself feel even better and happier and believe that summer is out and over for the next couple of months. Although, for the Delhiite in me, there’s nothing called winter here, but the coming months will definitely chill the senses as a worthy substitute. I cant wait to enjoy that. A slight nip in the air is already being felt.  Early mornings and evenings have become pleasant. The roundabouts and pavements have started to look beautiful and refreshing with new blooms in sight. A lot of homes have said their goodbyes to summer plants and welcomed some winter plants in their gardens. I have brought home some new plants too to maintain the refreshing change in the season.

Hopefully this little space of mine will get some watering and sunshine too in the form of some posts and updates. *Stops typing and crosses her fingers*