Day 17- If only I could’t care less…

I would be so much more at peace.

Sometimes I feel I could learn much from R. With no hang-ups over what others may think of him. Those who know him well, would know what I mean. He is in no rush to please people. He blurts out his opinions bluntly. It’s not that he says things without thinking. Oh he knows well what he says. What he says is what he truly thinks, feels and believes. All the time. He does and says what he wants to, whether people like it or not  is secondary. If they approve well and good. If they don’t he couldn’t care less. There are no multiple tracks running in his mind at the same time.

Unlike me.

I think and think again and then again. Then I feel I should say it. Then I hold back thinking people may dislike me for saying it so bluntly. And end up saying something entirely different, just to please them. Just because that is what they want to hear. And what I truly feel gets suppressed within me which more often than not clashes with my inner peace big time!

I had written once before long back how I would get bothered by someone’s behavior, yet I wouldn’t express it openly for I hate confrontations. But sometimes I get bothered by my own behaviour even more.  No not by my inability to say no. That is a trait I am learning to correct. And I’m getting there, albeit slowly but surely. It’s my inability to stand up for the people I love and care about purely because of this inane habit to be in others’ good books that irks me the most.

Sounds ironic, right? In my compelling desire to be miss goody goody with everyone, I let my own people down.  I should focus on being there for them, the people who matter in my life and standing up for them when anyone pounces on them, right? But I end up staying mum instead because I fear displeasing others. How horrible does that make me sound!

Now my big worry is what if Namnam imbibes the quality from me. So far she has been managing well. She seems to be going the R way, with her heart and head firmly in place :D. I hope she is never governed by the inane urge to please everyone. Rather gives more importance to keeping her own conscience clear and being pleased with herself than anything else. Fingers crossed.